Ring, No Ring

I never had this ring.

I wasn't engaged. 

We did have a sexual relationship for a year but it wasn't anything more.

He wasn't rich, but he was supposed to play hockey in the pros.

I did love him, really, the only man I have truly ever loved but I needed to get out of the second biggest lie I ever told.  

I wonder what would have happened to us if I wasn't such a fuck-up. 

Did he find out?  Is that why he stopped calling?  

I think about us all the time.  I'm sorry Jeff.  I never meant for this to happen.  

I obviously have a problem.

My Kids I Hate, but Feel Guilty Hating Them

1.  L. C.

2.  C.H.

3.  Y. S.

4.  M. E.

5.  A. F.

6.  T. J.

7.  X. A.

8.  M. A.  

9.  C. H. & A. H.  (Twins)

10.  J. C.  

Clean Up...

I'm lying in my bed.  There are no sheets on it.  I'm on top of all my clean laundry that I need to fold and put away...  maybe after this post.

I have papers to grade and a diet to get back on.

But first, I have a story to tell.

Sexuality has always confused me.  When I was young, around 13, I remember sitting at the Thanksgiving dinner table and hearing my aunt say that all faggots are going to hell.  Nice holiday conversation.  From that point on, I wondered why she thought that.

I am some shade of queer that I don't understand.  I lie to myself and tell people that I'm gay or bi.  It depends on my mood.  Usually the thought of a man makes me cringe.  But then, sometimes I tell myself I'm straight.  My sexuality changes daily and I don't get it.

I just moved to a new area, with new people and new mindsets.  People don't understand "fluid sexuality" here.  So I said I'm gay.  Now I'm crushing on a man with no one to talk to.  I thought that lying would just be easier than defending my own different though process.  Now look where I am.

I need to clean up my life.

My To Do List for Today:
1.  Fold Laundry
2. Make my bed
3. Shower and such...
4. Correct Water Projects
5. Email parents
6. Make up Data
7. Submit fake data
8. Input grades
9. Make lunches for the week
10. Dread going back to school tomorrow....

No really, who the eff am I?

I tell my students that my goal in life is to be happy for the rest of my life.  I'll never be complacent again....

Liar.  

I moved to Florida from Mass at the end of last spring.  At the time, I thought, I can teach.  I like kids...  

Liar.

I have a problem in my life.  I like to lie.  A lot.  In every aspect of my life, but I decided I needed a place to let all the lies out, while telling the real story of who I am.  This is my safe space.  I hope.  

Big Lie #1:  When I was in middle school, I told my 4 best friends that I knew a famous rapper, and I had sex with him all the time.  They believed me.  And I ran with it.  They asked me what sex was like.  I told them that the movies did it all wrong, but I had no idea what sex was really like.  My friends wanted to meet him.  So I said, of course.  We set a date for new year's eve that "he" would come, and when he didn't, they told everyone in the school what an asshole I was, what a liar I was.  It hurt but it was true.  

Now, a 30-something, I still do it, but I'm much better at it, and I'm always on my toes.  

I miss my life I left behind, and hope I can make it two years in my new life, but I don't know if it will work.  I'll try.  (For realsies) 

I really like lists, so I am going to leave a random list at the bottom of each post.  This post's random list is 10 things I can't live without.

1. Post-it Notes

2. Hoodie Sweatshirts

3. Mom and my dog (They only count for one because I only see them at the same time)

4. Whitey Bulger (That's my car who is named after the Boston gangster)

5.  Laptop

6.  Ketchup

7.  My education

8.  boston.com to see how my Red Sox are doing

9.  Internet dating

10.  Assorted colors of whiteboard markers